


Another Day At Hogwarts

by Dankenstein



Category: (My) Immortal: The Web Series, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23795044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dankenstein/pseuds/Dankenstein
Summary: An exercise in world building- how would a day at Hogwarts as imagined in the fabled My Immortal play out for some random side-character?
Kudos: 9





	Another Day At Hogwarts

School was fantastic.  
It was a mesmerizing, illogical drug trip of an experience. Who knew what a new day would bring? It was ridiculous. It was stupid and lurid.  
And I stopped trying to make sense of it.  
I just watched Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way bite the throat of a passing Hufflepuff.  
Nobody noticed. Well, a few did, an impassive sort of ‘oh, that occurred’.  
And- I didnt even care anymore. I hadn’t worn anything not Hot Topic in a week now.  
That’s right, I pledged my allegiance to the goths. Goffs. Whatever.  
Finishing up my blood and cereal- yeah I know what the fuck, right? Wearing so much Hot Topic deadass turned me into a vampire it was wild.  
That’s just how vampires worked here.  
Preps had a similar thing but werewolves.  
But, classes did technically occur. So, I finished up the meal, and didn’t linger on where the blood was procured from- really, who cares? Just go with it. Probably Hufflepuffs.  
But, yeah. Charms. I picked up my bag- of course, from Hot Topic. It had a skull and little bat wings. And it was black, of course.  
Joining up with a herd of Hufflepuffs, who growled at my intrusion, before I gave my offering of several steaks of differing rareness. The pack leader- a seventh year barked an approval, and I quickly joined the pack.  
As a first year goth, I was a prime target for roving preps in the halls. Thus, I hitched a ride on the Hufflepuff herds. Oh, by their lonesome a single Hufflepuff was weak prey, but they were pack creatures at heart. Even a posse of upper year goths would be ill advised to take on an entire pack at once.  
So, as one of the few first years who claimed allegiance to a side, I bribed them extensively. And yes, choose an allegiance. Wearing too much preppy or gothic clothing for too long would change your alliance to either Gryffindor for preps, or Slytheirn for Goths. And, even then you could switch sides. Undeclared students were houseless. Hufflepuffs seemed to spawn form the castle itself- save the few students who infiltrated their way in. The trick was wearing the right colour of robes and spraying yourself with Hufflepuff pheromones. I’d looked into it, back when I was unsorted, but the prices put me off. A single vial was ten galleons. It was also risky business. There was an incident last year, or so I heard. I only saw the vestiges of the aftermath.  
Caused all sorts of chaos- after all the Slytherins were the edgy goths. The Hogwarts ecosystem was all out of flux. Terrible introduction to my time here.  
“Hey you fucking Twilight reject gunna cry because your e-boy got rawr’d at by another girl!?” Static filled my vision, a red ghost flash of pain accompanied the insult.  
I barely managed to cast a deafening charm on myself as I stumbled after the rest of the Hufflepuffs.  
A prep’s insults could cause psychic damage. Luckily it was kinda weaksauce. Had my lesbianism not protected me from falling in love with an e-boy, it probably would've stunned me. Then, without the Hufflepuff protection, they would be free to circle me, a death of a thousand cuts.  
Well, total personality death at least.  
They would then dress me in prep clothes until I converted.  
Now, that’s fucked up, but the goths also tortue preps until they mentally break and become super edgy. So like. It happened.  
Don’t even worry about it. I had three buttons on me currently that were some variations on ‘don't worry just ___’.  
I had far too many buttons.  
Or- perhaps too few?  
Whatever. I looked around the halls-  
“Shit.” I cussed under my breath. I missed my get-off point. We were looping back towards the great hall. I was really out of it today. And- it was quiet. Too quiet.  
I still had the deafening charm on. I canceled it-  
And it was just as quiet.  
Taking deep breaths- redundant, due to my vampirism, but, it still helped me calm down- I surveyed the Hufflepuff herd. It... Had grown. Significantly. And we slowed to a stop. The members, deathly quiet and unmoving, circled two upper year Hufflepuffs, forming an arena.  
The two pack leaders- because this is what it had to be- slowly circled each other, low growls, feints towards the other.  
Snarling, the new one, an older female stomped, kicking the ground, leaning towards the pack leader I’d been following around.  
The male returned the gesture, additionally spreading out his arms and baring his teeth.  
Dominance display, I concluded. The winner would take over their combined packs.  
And that would be a force to be reckoned with.  
Paling- well not that anyone could tell with all my white foundation- I glanced around the crowd.  
If the upsuror won, what would happen to me? I ddn't have any extra meat to barter with. The circle around the two was too tightly packed, if i wanted out, I’d have to use force, and in that case...  
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I bit my thumb.  
Idiot- I’m a fucking idiot.  
A roar of approval from the crowd had me turn back to the spectacle.  
The Female had pinned the male, and- were they biting each other-  
Oh. OH. OH.  
I blushed, averting my gaze.  
So that’s what a Hufflepuff mating ritual looks like. I didn’t know they even did that, I mean, they were spawned in the Hufflepuff common room after all. Or maybe it was more of a social ritual?  
I parted along with a significant amount of the pack from after the... preoccupied care let out... Noises of contentment. Yeah, let’s call it that.  
And... There was a lot of Hufflepuff. Even some Ravenclaws perched on the stonework, observing the proceedings. Odd. They were notoriously reclusive.  
Preps and goths too- though with Hufflepuffs as a barrier between the respective cliques.  
Following their gazes I saw-  
“Oh dear.”  
Several upper year Hufflepuff were dragging a boy in yellow robes, his eyes wide and mouth gagged. They were dragging him to a wooden ‘T’ that some slightly younger Hufflepuffs were propping up.  
I saw him thrash around, wincing. I recognized him, a second year with an undeclared house.  
He must have tried to infiltrate them. I shook my head, turning away. I had no desire to see anybody crucified. And I couldn't stop it. Not alone, and nobody would dare to help me.  
Just another day at Hogwarts.  
I flinched as the screaming began.  
Just another day at Hogwarts, I told myself.  
...  
I was in the wrong classroom. I expected it, as I was rushing, upset, in the fluid interior of Hogwarts.  
However, I was in, what I considered at least- the worst class. Professor Sinister, the divination professor. A goth weeb. Fucking weebs. Most witches and wizards shed their goth/prep affiliations upon graduations, keeping only remnants of the aesthetic but noooooo, Professor Sinister was full goth.  
“Konichiwa motherfuckers.” She greeted us. I followed the fourth years into the classroom. It was a terrible class- but any class was infinitely safer than the halls, especially now. The Hufflepuffs began frenzying, after a Goth and Prep fight broke out during the crucifixion.  
In the corridors, it was the law of the jungle, but in the classrooms, it was the law of the teachers.  
So, I didn't look at the Black Butler or Death Note yaoi posters adorning the walls. I did not. Not even a glance. As if they didn’t even exist. Blur my eyes and I didn't even notice them.  
No, I wasn't bothered by the explicit posters depicting a young boy and adult man together.  
I just sat at the edge of the Goth section. Not too close as to be presumptuous.  
“Now, everyone slit boku’s wrists for our kawaii tea readings!” Sinister declared brightly.  
The Goths quickly obliged, freely spilling blood into their teacup. The preps dripped in a variety of substitutes with sloppy sleight of hand. I counted a rabbit, ketchup, and a jar of jam from where I was sitting.  
Hm. I quirked my lips, looking at my teacup.  
Well, I could deal with a little blood loss, I was a goth after all. A small cut across my wrist, I pinched the skin around it to force out blood from the meager cut.  
Getting a small dribble out, I wiped the rest on my skirt, pressing the cut against the black fabric as Sinister began her lecture about tea readings.  
I immediately ceased paying attention in light of her speech patterns. I couldn’t. I just could not fucking handle it.  
The Tokyo Ghoul poster stared at me. Kaneki blinked.  
I slumped, head in my hands.  
Don’t think about the time logistics. I repeated that like a mantra. Because I really shouldn’t worry about how she had a poster for the anime adaptation of a manga series that was not published yet.  
Fuuuuuuuture.  
I was thinking about it.  
Don’t think. I reminded myself. Feel.  
Of course the goth weeb professor had a Tokyo Ghoul poster. It fit the aesthetic perfectly.  
Good vibes only, bitchtard.  
And thus, I coasted the rest of the class, well into evening.  
And when it was finished, I slunk through the empty halls to the Slytherin common room.  
Better if I didn’t encounter anything- the irregular jumble of Hogwarts architecture alone was a bitch to navigate.  
Skipping down a flight of stairs, I heard a rustling behind me. Glancing behind, I saw a Ravenclaw perched in the railing, a way above the stairs, peering at me, head cocked.  
Great.  
I pulled out a streak from my pocket, tossing it up the stairs.  
Fast as a bullet, the student leaped off the railing, catching the meat midair and quickly devouring it.  
Slow, I backed up, down a few more steps-  
He finished, and looked at me. Hungry.  
I booked it. Leaping over the last steps, rolling into a tumble and sprinting down the hallway, tossing a few pieces of meat as I ran to slow him down.  
I didn’t look back again.  
And eventually, legs aching, lungs burning and head dizzy, I gasped and wheezed, leaning against the door to the Slytherin common room.  
It wouldn’t do me any good to be so obviously worn out in there.  
I glanced behind me. The hall was empty.  
I must've wandered into his territory sometime. Ravenclaws were notoriously territorial. Rarer than a Hufflepuff, but even a single one could rival a pack.  
I’d heard rumours about them hunting, but... Well, mostly I heard upper years goths comment on how tasty they were, or how the preps would band together and bully them into doing their schoolwork.  
“Welcome to the jungle.” I chuckled, placing my head on the door to the common room, feeling my breathing steady. Right then, I suppose I was ready as I’d ever be.  
“My Chemical Romance.” I spoke the password, and the door opened up, into a gothic lair.  
Dark, emo band posters, pentagrams and the cross of Saint Peter adorning the walls.  
I’d never not find that funny, using the upside down cross as an anti-Christianity symbol when it really represented the martyrdom of Peter, who was upside down cru-  
Ah. Crucifixion. My stomach twisted at the morning’s memories.  
I took a seat, and began eavesdropping in the common room. Wasn't like I had any friends to talk to.  
“All hose Huffypins are fuking posers!!!” An upper year complained- a high-Goth if the unintelligibly speech patterns were to be judged.  
“Yeah! They don’t even soap at Hot Topic!”  
“They murder like they goth!? WTF”  
“Are they Christmas? They have crossed?”  
Don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh.  
“As saintesess we have to kill them!”  
A roar of agreement passed through the common room.  
Uh-oh.  
That... Sounded dangerous.  
But, what wasn’t?


End file.
